Remembering Tantra

Another long day, and I’m glad I was working because as long as I was working, I wasn’t crying. When I took a nap, I kept waking up panicked, newly remembering that Tantra is gone. We appreciate and cherish all of your kind words – it truly is comforting to know that there are so many caring people who appreciated our sweet Prince. To those of you who have been with the Miao Chronicles from the start, you know that I love all the Miaos but, even though I never really confessed it out loud, Tantra and I were closest. When he fell ill two years ago and all signs were bleak, I came back home from school immediately. I knew that Tweets needed me. When he pulled through so miraculously, and maintained a delicate balance of health, I told myself that he must still have several of his feline lives to spare. I knew this day would come, but surely it has come too soon.

He started getting sick again less than a week after Sprocket joined us. We thought maybe he had caught something, but there was no sign of infection. The timing is so wrong, so sudden. I know how much Tantra loved life, loved playing, loved cuddling, loved eating, loved preening his ruff and tail. Of his many passions, there is nothing Prince Tantra loved quite as much as attention, all of which he returned in kind, with purrs and love. The Miaos have been blessed by longevity, and 13 years compared to Elder Brother Ramses’ 21 just does not seem like enough. I would give anything to cuddle him one more time, or to hear his sweet demanding baa, or to see him gobble up his favorite bonito flakes with zeal. I didn’t give him enough cuddles or enough treats to last him for eternity, or me for this lifetime.

I see him in my head, in pictures. I see him in a window – sunny windows were his favorite spots – but now we are separated by the glass, and it grows darker. I scrolled through the Miao Archives, certain that I had countless photos recording his beauty, his playfulness, his love, but what I found is inadequate, flat, a shadow of what I remember, of what he is.

Tantra’s warm sunny window
Tantra's favorite nap spot

Baby Tantra is to the left, twin Tashi is to the right. You can see that even at this young age, barely past his “Gizmo” stage, he was preening.

And here is Tantra with his best buddy Kemi Bear, probably complaining about Lotus’ latest antics.
tantra & kemi

Here, he naps in blue blankie, oblivious to his arch-nemesis Lotus just centimeters away.
lotus tantra blue blankie

Blue blankie was his final resting spot.

I will end this here. I have turned off comments for this post, I’m not entirely sure why. Everyone has given us such beautiful and heartfelt thoughts, I do not want to ask for more. I do not want to drag this blog through my grief. Tomorrow, Sprocket gets his staples out, so hopefully I will have some good bouncy kitten news to share.

Prince Tantra

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